National Lockdown: Day 67 (Day One of Level Three) Growing up in South Africa in the nineties, there were a few things that every single child had in common. Everyone wanted a strange man dressed in a Simba costume to come into their classroom, yell “surprise”, and give away free bags of chips. I am …
National Lockdown: Day 53 In another dazzling display of what the actual fuckery, it appears your average South African layman/woman isn’t the only person making his/her own homebrew. Minister of Trade and Industry, Ebrahim Patel, seems to have been smashing back the pineapple beer with gay abandon. Patel’s Moonshine is clearly made of stronger stuff …
National Lockdown: Day 29 According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, there are five stages of grief- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. In South Africa there are currently eight stages of loadshedding, seven deadly sins (which Bheki Cele seems to be reading off), and now five stages of lockdown. South Africans are going to need a helluva …
National Lockdown: Day 18 There’s an old Nesquik advert where you could blame shit on the bunny… it seems appropriate that I pull out my “blame it on the bunny card” for my writing hiatus. It’s been a very strange past few days. I haven’t felt like writing, I’ve been in a bit of a …
National Lockdown: Day Thirteen My exceptionally dazzling friend Louise posed the question, “Why are we cursed with Bheki Cele- isn’t Coronavirus enough?” This got me thinking that it’s about high time we spoke about the “not so new” Sheriff in town, Bheki Cele. Bheki Cele is basically one step down from the Sheriff of Nottingham, …
National Lockdown: Day Twelve I think Woolies must have had a pre-lockdown special on stones, and my hunch is that there was some serious white level hoarding going on. I’m just sad that I missed that particular SMS informing me of this breathtaking special… “WRewards: Don’t let imminent lockdown prevent you from exercising your right …
National Lockdown: Day Eleven This morning I had my “Truman Burbank moment” as I was brushing my teeth. I looked in the mirror and I realised that it’s just me… I am at the centre of my increasingly small universe. I am alone in my house and despite brief moments during the day where I …
National Lockdown: Day Ten Today I reached the 100K word mark. One hundred thousand words. In seven days Jaqui Hiltermann wrote more than her PhD thesis and she is smug as fuck. And exhausted, because I’m now allowed to use that banned word because I’ve fucking earned it. And sure the 100K is not exactly …
National Lockdown: Day Nine Aside from two trips to Woolworths, and a pre-lockdown booze run, I haven’t left my house since the 14th March. I’m going into my 4th week of self-isolation, as a lot of us are. Yesterday my friend sent this message to one of our WhatsApp groups, as a public service announcement, …
National Lockdown: Day Eight It was only a matter of time before I’d have to dust off my “Bullshit Police Officer” uniform and rejoin the forces. I imagine I’m in one of those Hollywood cop movies… You know the type that start with the sultry music and the husky voiceover…? I’m standing in the kitchen, …