DuckTales… WOO-OO!

Today it’s all about duck pie…

If you like duck I’m about to share one of the best ways to cook it. How do I know it’s good? Well, I have this on good authority from my family. Why should you trust them? Well, there are several PhDs among them so you can trust them as experts. And they’re experts, not because they are smart (which they are), but mostly because academic culture is a culture of food vultures who only go to conferences and meetings for the free scoff.

But before we get to the recipe I’d like to throw some irony into the ring.

You know those sanctimonious laborious preambles just before recipes about how joyous the author’s life is, and how she discovered this amazing recipe…?

Por exemplo…

I was on holiday in Sardinia the first time my fiancé Clayton and I tried North Peruvian pate de fois gras and Venezuelan Beaver Cheese. It was a sultry day and the crisp Sauvignon Blanc was the perfect foil to cut through the richness of our lunch platter. Clayton and I met at the Royal Society for the Association of Cheese Knaves in 2016 and our love for traditional methods of cheese making led us to completing not one, not two, not three, but four cheese pilgrimages. I made Venezuelan Beaver Cheese after our experience in Sardinia and I tried many recipes before I found the perfect one. [Insert pop up ad.] [Insert another pop up ad.] After months of trial and error here are the recipes that I tried that didn’t work. Scroll through them they’re pointless. Now enjoy the photos of Clayton and I in Sardinia with captions such as “say cheeeese” and “meant to brie”….

Recipe Blogs Can Fuck Off.

Don’t you just want to punch recipe bloggers in the choux buns for this kak? And the problem is that these preambles are part and parcel of the recipes that have 4.8 star ratings. So you have no choice but to engage with “Candy Floss” and her utterly naff parochial writing if you want a decent recipe. People like Candy Floss need to be told that no one cares about anything other than the ingredients and basic directions. Seriously how do you think Betty Crocker made her fortune? Not by inserting a copy of her memoirs into every blueberry muffin box. So apologies “Candy Floss” but just give us the recipe and go back to watching Cupcake Wars and creating an aura of “happiness lives here”… You really deserve it.

I’m all for recipe sharing… this is one of the main reasons why I collect cookbooks that I never cook out of. I just like to have unfettered access to recipes. I’ve yet to use Manifold Destiny and roast a chicken under my car bonnet. However, I really like that I have that option available to me if I ever feel like making something enticing out of the roadkill I find on the Heidelberg stretch of the N3 towards Joburg. Imagine the sheer delight of presenting a welcoming hostess with the gift of manifold genet just as loadshedding kicks in. I’ve also never trussed a chicken even though Thomas Keller tells me that only assholes neglect this absolutely vital process. Who even knows where their household string is? Seriously Thomas, get a life. Also what’s with calling it the French Laundry… do you even know how to use your washing machine?

This is why I don’t understand “Secret family recipes”. As far as I’m concerned they can piss off. Here’s the thing… I’ve shared loads of recipes and then had them served up as “Jaqui’s apple pie” or “Jaqui’s Yorkshire puddings”… And trust me when I say I wasn’t exactly jazzed that the shit being served up had my name attached to it. Anyone who watches cooking shows or cooks, knows that recipes don’t guarantee shit. So all I ask is that if you make this banger of a duck pie and fuck it up, please attach your name to the recipe and leave me out of it. Obviously if it’s a roaring success then I’m happy for you to take all the credit. I would.

So annoying “called it ironic to try get away with it” preamble over… let’s get you to where you belong… in the kitchen.

OK so the deal is I don’t use recipes but for the benefit of helping you create the best bloody duck you’ll ever eat… I tried really bloody hard to be accurate.

• 2 ducks (I get mine from my mother-out-law Her ducks are the best)
• 250ml-300ml decent/drinkable dry red wine
• 1.5 tbl spoons sugar (no one cares what kind you use or if it has a few coffee granules left behind by that heathen in your household)
• 2 tbl spoons of my secret ingredient for everything… Chinkiang Vinegar (photo below)
• 1 tbl spoon (make it generous) soy sauce
• 1/2 cup gravy powder (only Woolworths or Ina Paarman will do)
• 4-5 ClemenGold yuppiefruits from Woolworths (If you can afford tinned mandarins congratulations on your success in life and in that case you’ll need a tin) Okes, you can also use cherries if you aren’t paying off a bond or have school fees to think about
• 1 roll of puff pastry (if you’re the type who makes their own then you’ll have lost interest in this recipe after reading gravy powder)
• 1 egg for egg wash
• Water. It’s free

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So you may think that this must be lank fancy because there’s some boujie shit on the list. Well try order duck pie at a restaurant and see how your overdraft facility looks. The other thing is please don’t try to use naartjies or oranges. You want fancy sweet fruit for this… and hard pith is the actual devil. Have some self respect and put that naartjie you’re holding into your child’s lunchbox, not in this epic pie.

So here’s what you do.

1. Roast the two ducks side by side on a wire rack placed in a big ass roasting tray. Pat the ducks dry. I often give them a good go over with a hairdryer (if it’s not loadshedding). Season the ducks with salt. Pour water in the roasting tray. The idea is to slow roast and steam. It’s a low slow cook so start with a hot preheated oven and then reduce the temperature to about 170ish. It takes about 3-4 hours.
2. While the ducks are roasting you make the luscious sauce. You need a big pot.
3. Reduce the red wine with the sugar. About half way through reducing the wine you add the vinegar and the soy sauce. Then you reduce some more. You’re looking at reducing by about half. Don’t make a sticky syrup or burn it. I can’t help you if you do that.
4. So a note on the vinegar. It’s the one vinegar I cannot live without and you can buy it from Asian supermarkets and online. You could probably use red wine or sherry vinegar if you can’t find it but honestly love yourself more and hunt it down because it makes EVERYTHING taste better.
5. OK now you make a gravy paste with the gravy powder and about 1/4 cup water. Then add the paste to the red wine story. Whisk so there aren’t lumps and add about a litre of water. This is the part I didn’t measure out. You want a nice sauce the texture of blood or whipping cream if you’re squeamish. You’ll need to whisk the gravy and adjust the thickness with more water or more reduction. Make sure you can’t taste raw gravy powder.
6. You’re going to need to taste it and adjust the seasoning.
7. OK so now for the mandarins. Peel them and de-pith. You want minimal pith. I cut some of the mandarin segments in half and left some whole.
8. I then squeezed in the juice of one mandarin.
9. When the duck is done this is the annoying but necessary part (and it’s so worth it). You need to strip the duck. Flake and peel off as much duck as you can and add in some of the crispier skin. I don’t like too much fat so I go easy on the skin.
10. Taste the magic you deserve it. Does it need more soy? Does it need more vinegar, more sugar, more citrus? This is your pie it has your name on it.
11. Right pie filling done. Stick the filling into whatever pie receptacle you fancy. I use Mauviel because have you seen it? Now you roll out the puff pastry so it’s a bit thinner. Then you chuck it on your pie filling as a lid.
12. You might be thinking I’m a heathen for not having a pie bottom… and usually I’d be right alongside you nodding my head and detaching a retina, but this pie is so rich and saucy that you won’t miss its panties/underpants. Trust me. Or don’t.
13. Egg wash next. If you don’t know about egg wash then I’m not sure I trust you roasting anything other than a Woolworths Chicken Schnitzel.
14. Bake at about 200 until it’s done. You’ll know it’s done because the pastry won’t be raw and it won’t look like Boo Radley.
15. I serve it with a smug face and whatever potatoes my ass fancies.

This may be controversial but this is better than a garage pie after a night at Crowded House.