Music & The Food Of Love, Play On!

National Lockdown: Day Five

I’m happy to report that the past couple of days have actually gone pretty quickly. It turns out that being busy really is the best way to make the time pass. And sure, I haven’t done any exercise, I haven’t watched the latest season of Ozark, I’ve been limiting my phone time so I’m pissing off family members as well as being woefully behind on memes, and yes, Ron Moss is sulking like a real dickhead. But, Day Five can pretty much be put to bed.

Since lockdown, and despite limiting my phone use, I actually feel more connected to a lot of my friends than I have in a long time. One of my crazier friends video-chatted to show me that she’s bought a new piano. This particular friend is a veritable storm in a teacup and goes through hobbies like nobody’s business. Somewhere, out there, is a great fucking landfill with all of aforementioned-friend’s lost pursuits. As far as the eye can see, sewing machines, sporting equipment, Kenwood mixer, underwater basket weaving starter pack, deep sea diving drill kit, kayak, skateboard, Morris Dancing outfit, bow and arrow… I guess you could call her a bit of a hobby horse, but by no means a one-trick pony.

Anyway, this friend isn’t the only human who’s decided to “Upskill in JUST 21 Days- Guaranteed!” And isn’t it great that so many of us are using lockdown to hone our musical prowess? And I’m absolutely sure there isn’t a neighbour in the all the land who isn’t enchanted by the musical snacks issuing forth through walls and windows throughout Mzansi. But it’s all very well for those of us who live alone and can wear noise cancelling headphones. Some of us are not so lucky.

Earlier today I had a brief chat with another one of my spectacularly weird friends, and I’m pleased to report that he did not disappoint. When asked to fill me in on his “Day Five”, he sent me a screenshot of his “Daily Captain’s Log”. For the purposes of this exercise let’s call this friend Hamlet.

Hamlet’s Daily Log is a thing of rare beauty. Where I use a hundred words, he uses about 10. “Day 5” is a simple bullet list with 4 items saved as a Word document. But in these succinct bullet points, there emerges quite a picture. Day 5 opens with Hamlet talking about his granny and how she’s not happy at all, in fact she’s downright furious that she’s being treated like a child by people who are younger than her. I’m with granny on this one, she should be allowed to run amok, her puritanical smock flapping in the wind. It begs the question, “how many pissed off grannies are there plotting anarchy and mayhem”? Maybe we can ask the local newspapers to run a poll to ascertain satisfaction levels among grannies so as to avoid incident? After all, the grannies could be revolting.

Anyway, Hamlet then goes on to reveal, point 2, that his brother had an apoplectic fit over dinner because someone dared to meddle with the spaghetti bolognaise recipe. This struck a chord with me because I remember the time my dad substituted canned tomatoes with that siff tinned ratatouille mix and my brother nearly put himself up for adoption. Maybe we need another poll, “how attached are you to your family spaghetti bolognaise recipe”? Because I am pretty sure that Hamlet and I aren’t the only ones with Rumpelstiltskiny brothers who could threaten to destabilise this very fragile and precarious 21 day lockdown. And there is no doubt that lockdown does things to peoples’ psyches… and I think it’s best if we all agree not to deviate from family recipes if we are to maintain domestic bliss and come out the other side unscathed? One rogue bolognaise could throw everything off kilter- “this bolognaise and those grannies are revolting!” Let’s just agree that once this is all over you can get creative with your bolognaise, but for now let’s just keep it tidy folks.

It’s difficult to talk about log item 3 because it involves the suspicious drowning of Hamlet’s family’s peahen and the subsequent vanishing of their peacock. At this point Hamlet remarks that ‘something is rotten in the state of Denmark’ and I’m afraid that I could not agree more. I’d check that bolognaise sauce before eating it.

And then item 4… and this is where I segue back to my original point…

‘The tin whistle standoff continues…’ (Captain’s Log Day 5: 2020)

I’m a sucker for a cliffhanger and this one did the job. I immediately hopped to voicenote and demanded to know if this was a new big idea for a Spaghetti Western (see what I did there?), ‘The Tin Whistle Standoff’. It turn’s out Hamlet’s brother, let’s call him Polonius while we’re on the pork and piggy theme, has been dabbling in the penny whistle. For the past five days, Hamlet tells me that it’s been 24/7 penny whistling with classic hits like Nkosi Sikelel’ iAfrika, Make Me A Channel of Your Peace, Ireland’s Call, and the theme tune from Ghostbusters. It’s no surprise that by the morning of day 5 Polonius was relegated to the far corner of the garden and most of the family had started drinking again.

If I’ve learnt anything from Hamlet’s Captain’s Log… I’m mighty grateful I live alone, keep an eye on those grannies, and never fuck with the spaghetti bolognaise recipe.