Kirstenbosch Part Two
More shit I heard in the queue at the Kirstenbosch summer concert.
While Monkey was spreading his smoked snoek mousse on his rye bread with a plastic teaspoon, I was sipping away on my crisp wine. Crisp wine was crisp because of my fancy wine wand which looks disturbingly like a sex toy. A sex toy for wine as it were. The wine sex toy was a hit with passers-by who marveled at the fact that not only does the wand chill the wine BUT it has a stopper and pouring spout too…
31. White people love Yuppiechef.
Anyway after listening to Dave bang on about the magical properties of apple cider vinegar it was the turn of Gareth and Sarah to step up to the podium and receive an emergency phonecall from their au pair. It turns out young Arya had fallen off the jungle gym and had a suspected broken arm. Arya was obviously an ironic name.
Sarah was white madam cross because ‘how could they be so selfish…?’ ‘Why did kids have to play the fool?’ ‘Why couldn’t they just behave like they were told to?’ I was with Sarah… kids are real assholes.
Didn’t they know it was Cat Stevens?
Gareth, not being the recalcitrant type, morphed into super new age dad and began sweating and pacing… He’s obviously a Grey’s Anatomy dad cos he was using words like ‘STAT’ and ‘push 2 cc’s of epi’… OK that’s an exaggeration he just asked if Arya could move her arm.
Silence…
It was time to bring out the big guns and talk to the son… the au pair was clearly an idiot…
‘Tristan! Fetch the iPad STAT and get onto Facetime… you’re going to have to show me Arya’s arm…!’
I’m getting hella excited now thinking Grey’s Anatomy Gareth is going to talk Tristan through surgery using nothing but an iPad and and a ballpoint pen. Gareth takes a sip of his Merlot and mops his brow. Sarah is telling Beverley that she’s not letting her kids spoil this for her… this is the first time she’s been out the house for months. Gareth is now Facetiming Tristan and I’ve refilled my glass excited about Tristan going rogue on his first surgery. No such luck Arya can move her arm but she’s screaming like a real little asshole. ‘I think it’s just sprained’ says Gareth…
A few minutes later…
Gareth: ‘I’m going to have to go home and sort this out…’
Sarah: ‘Can’t we just wait until after the concert…?’
Gareth: ‘No Sarah what if it’s serious?’
Sarah: ‘I don’t think it’s serious… I mean she’s always hysterical… she cries over anything…’
Gareth abandons his post to make the long journey back to middle Constantia to sort out young Arya, and Sarah goes back to complaining about how kids can be a real buzzkill.
‘I do hope he makes it back in time for the concert’
(Originally posted on Facebook 16 November 2017)