All Quiet on The Home Front

National Lockdown: Day One

I stayed awake past midnight last night, not because I wanted to be awake for the momentus midnight curfew, but because I’m a night owl and I was really enjoying my episode of Money Heist. In any non-event, nothing happened at midnight. When I woke up this morning it was very quiet, even the birds seemed to have got the memo. But, to be fair, I live alone so it’s almost always quiet, except for my fucking fridge Ron Moss, who likes to make a cameo appearance once in a while, and shift into a loud buzzing, grinding noise. Ron Moss might not make it through the next 21 days… and I might be charged with domestic appliance abuse. I’ll keep you posted.

Anyway, the lockdown has officially begun and it’s a surreal moment in time. I’m a history junkie so I always look to the past for coping strategies and mechanisms… history tells us about human reaction. We need it. As a white person there’s no ways I’m going to even try link this lockdown to apartheid South Africa, because you’d have to be some kind of tone deaf Neanderthal to think that could possibly fly… But, I guarantee, somewhere on Facebook, Annelize has made that comparison… ‘it’s like apartheid when they restricted movement, the army was out and about, and to get anywhere you needed a pass’. Sure Annelize (38), remember that… gosh you’re so astute.

So, I guess I’ll go to the obvious one, World War II. Politicians have declared a global war against coronavirus, and they’re even talking about holding their meetings in “War Rooms”. Except where the historical narrative differs, is in our reaction as a collective. I’m not seeing many stiff upper lips, I’m seeing a lot of loose bottomed pouts. And sure there’s a “We Can Do It!” sentiment, but before “I do it”, “I just need to nip out to the shops one last time before I hunker down, and maybe sneak the dog out for a quick stroll, after all it’s quiet outside no one will notice”.

And let’s all have a moment of silence to consider all of those new couples who have been torn apart from each other. There are newly forged couples out there who are going through withdrawal already… And, while I feel desperate for Kayla and James, it’s hardly like James is going into the trenches and putting his body on the line. In wartime couples and families say goodbye for years, some soldiers return, some do not. Some bomb raids kill entire families, children are often sent away for safety, families are ripped apart… it is often years. But sure Kayla I feel your pain, 21 days does feel like a lifetime, and Facetime and WhatsApp just aren’t the same. And besides, I’m sure you can bend the rules and sneak a clandestine kiss at your daily rendezvous in the canned food aisle in Checkers.

So, history, what have you got for us? How about we glance towards the sage advice given by the British government during World War II…

During World War II women were sent to the factories to build weapons, they were told to “dig for victory”, they left their homes in the cities to work the land, women were put to work. So Sarah, you’re being told to stay the fuck at home. You don’t have to “dig for victory” you just have to contribute to some household chores and perhaps look after the kids that you chose to have. But yet, in a dazzling display of irony, some of these women, these pillars of domestic life, the leaders of our households, the very women who purport to keep the home fires burning have been staging a stay-at-home revolt! Many have been asking whether they can go jogging, or if they can walk their hounds, maybe just “pop out” for a bit… No Sarah you have to stay the fuck at home. And frankly if the housewives and stay-at-home mummies are unable to stay home then we have a serious situation on our hands. We may as well just call it a day.

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“Careless talk costs lives” sounds a little dramatic right? We’re all smart enough to know who to listen to and who to believe, right? Right? Well, if you look at the fake news behemoth, the behemoth that’s only going to get worse as bored individuals develop conspiracies from the comfort of their basements, you can see how ill-informed citizens can quite literally kill each other. Why just this week a chap died because he decided to take Donald Trump’s advice. And there are a million different rumours circulating about “cures”, “remedies”, “make your own”… and the anti-vaxxers haven’t even weighed in yet. We shouldn’t even have to go through fake news and fact checking in 2020, but it appears some people just aren’t getting the message. And, FYI Beverley, “I’m just sharing this in case” is akin to careless talk… Sort your shit out Beverley!

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But, I’m a hypocrite. Here I am bemoaning Beverley, Sarah, Kayla, James… and there I was yesterday, Jaqui Hiltermann, queuing at 8:47am to get into the goddam bottle store. And sure, I wouldn’t say that I stockpiled, but I certainly bought more than my weekly allowance as set out by medical professionals. In fact, my mother actually phoned me to make sure that I woke up in time to go and buy alcohol; she’s got my back! ‘Jaqui she said, everyone has their price…’ Everyone has their price.

And the truth is I have a very limited supply of food in my house, just ask Ron Moss. I haven’t stockpiled anything (please no applause), and I am going to have to buy food at some point… But do you know what? I won’t need a ration book, I won’t need to read recipes on “how to make a turnip taste fucking delicious”, I will literally be able to go to Woolworths and buy avos if I want to. People in wartime had to eat horse meat and cabbage, and drink tea… no alcohol. Not even a funky looking bottle of Limoncello or Ouzo from that European holiday you went on a decade ago. I could be skirting on sunny optimism here folks, but I think we’ll all be OK. But do you know who may not be OK, the millions of people in South Africa who are living in abject poverty. The thing with rationing is that it’s democratic, everyone gets the same food and supplies. So, when we all start to bleat about the inconvenience of grocery stores not having our favourite line items, maybe we should all take a breath. From where I’m sitting, suburban lockdown is pretty fucking comfortable.

So, as we all hunker down in our manicured bunkers for the next 21 days, possibly longer, equipped with our patriotic pajamas and “pants optional” mindsets, let’s just be grateful. And if you can’t do that, realise it could be a whole lot fucking worse… We could be enduring loadshedding at the same time. Eskom, you’re up!