My WhatsApp is a literal buzz with friends telling me, ‘you think that’s bad I’ve put on 2 dress sizes’, and ‘my gut luggage is the only thing I’m currently traveling with’. As some of you may be aware, I’ve had to start running, well let’s call it what it is, “jogging”. It’s the end of the fucking world guys.   

Luckily for us women, we have decades of glossies, which have primed us for this very moment. The moment where we look into our cupboards and sigh. Our “fat jeans” are now the “one day I’ll fit into those again” hopefuls. We hurry past mirrors, we close our eyes when we’re in our underwear… ‘Look at the bloody state of me!’ We envy the body we hated and despised a year ago.

Cue Cosmo, stage left, to bring us that silver lining we all desperately need. 26 Ways to Dress For Your Body Type. 13 Pairs of Jeans to Hide Those Problem Areas. 18 Swimsuits to Make You Beach Ready. 42 Ways to Disguise How Fat and Gross You Are. The advice is endless, but one thing’s for certain, my body type has a methodology that’s been proven to make me feel like I want any other body type than what I’ve been given in the genetic lottery. ‘I wish I had her body, then I could wear a pencil skirt.’

Did you know that there’s a skirt shape to suit any body type? Plus there’s proof nogal? 

Fuck me I love science. According to the fine folk at popsugar.com you can wear mini skirts if you’re petite. If you’re tall and lean (read skinny) then you can pull off a maxi skirt. If you’re curvy (but not fat) you can wear a pencil skirt. “Athletic” women shouldn’t wear skirts above the knee; presumably to hide all of the effort you spend doing lunges and squats. Google ‘skirts to suit my body type’ and you’ll be dazzled and amazed at how much rigorous research has been put into this.

And I’m not even joking… there’s also a handy guide on shoes to suit your body type. It’s nice to know that if you’re athletic you can add more femininity to your look (crucial), by donning a pair of Mary Janes or ballerina flats. 

I find such comfort in knowing that as a woman my body has been scrutinised to such an extent that I now have an idiot-proof manual on exactly what to wear, and what not to wear. It’s also nice to know that when I decide to put my pear-shaped bod into a pencil skirt there will be some Cosmo-wielding fashion police(wo)man to give me a jolly good shaming. ‘Christ alive look at that Hiltermann woman, she clearly didn’t get the December issue… Look at the state of her fat arse in those flipflops!’

Doesn’t it seem such a shame that men are largely exempt from such close scrutiny? Isn’t it such a pity that men don’t get the benefit of such exhaustive fashion manuals? 

So, in my bid to close the gender gap… ahem… ‘Men do you want to dress for your body type?’

If your body type is “Businessman” then suits and ties are recommended. However, if you have more of a “Casual Businessman” body type then you can always remove the tie and opt for a lighter suit colour. And great news for those men who are “Athletic”. If you’re athletic you can wear active wear, or you can wear more general clothing to accentuate the fact that you have the perfect body. Every cut of gentlemen’s clothing fits the athletic bod perfectly, and you can marvel at how everything down to your basic flipflops looks fucking magnificent. And trust me, you won’t need to add a flourish of anything feminine to soften your hyper-masculine athletic beastly physique. And remember, everything above the knees where possible, you didn’t focus on leg day for nothing.

Not to worry “Geeks and Nerds”, skinny jeans fit any male body type, provided you have a background in IT or have some idea of basic coding. And not to be outdone, if you have a trust fund you’re going to look great in salmon, even if you have the complexion of a Christmas gammon. Jeans to suit your body type? Well if you’re a size 34 buy anything in size 34 and you’re good to go. As a side note, there is one faux pas and that’s to avoid the divorce-dad jeans, unless you’re a dad and divorced.

Men with a chunky wallet should accentuate this with conversation about Bitcoin. And don’t think I haven’t forgotten about swimwear. In this month’s issue, there’s a double-page spread on finding the best swimming costume for your body. For men wanting a bathing suit that dries quickly, synthetic fibres are your best bet. Board shorts are great because they have velcro and nylon laces to secure the garment. Speedos are usually made out of spandex. And finally, swimsuit briefs are designed to be aerodynamic. Armed with this wealth of knowledge I’ll bet you’ll find the perfect costume to maximise your beach confidence.

So, isn’t it about time you Lockdown your Body Type.

It’s no secret I think diamonds are very pointless and I’ve discussed them before. I don’t want my value represented by something that perches on my finger, alerting you to how much my partner loves me and how wealthy he is. I’d opt for a plastic cracker ring, preferably one of those amazing decoder rings you could get in cereal boxes back in the “old days” (Monkey, if you’re reading this take note).

One of my 3rd year students, who is really fucking cool, told me that she’s not on Instagram because ‘it’s not for her’. She wasn’t being glib, or self-pitying, she just meant that she literally feels like an alien within the space. It’s not for her. She feels othered because, as she phrases it, ‘I’m poor’. Like I said, no self pity, no judgement of Instagrammers themselves, just a mere statement of fact. I’m obviously relaying what she said with lashings of judgement, while remarking on how kak and shallow I find Instagram. Sorry to ruin your fun, but Instagram is all about conspicuous consumption and flashing the proverbial diamonds. And, if you don’t have any of that shit, well you can window shop, while those on the inside take pity on you and talk about “the 3 c’s”.

So, back to Browns and their stupid diamonds. A while back I was reading the SAA in-flight magazine and this Browns advert appeared. I loved it because I’m obsessed with irony and being an asshole.

This image is what we call an “iconic image”… and it has circulated on postcards, greeting cards, posters, etc. It symbolises the end of World War II, celebration, and that groovy Hollywood style Romance we’ve come to enjoy- thanks to all those really imaginative movies that end with running through airports…

I am the first to admit that I bought a card with this very image for my Nana’s 80th Birthday (over a decade ago), because she was a nurse in the second world war, and my Gramps was a Navy man. They had a wartime romance, and although Gramps was into sarcasm, and gently mocking my Nana, it was the most realistic portrayal of love I’ve yet to see… “Nothing says love quite like sarcasm and gentle mockery”. Try that on for size Browns. Anyway, I thought the above image was a pretty accurate depiction of love so Nana received this card because I was trying to be nostalgic. My Nana had dementia, and this is the only time I was ever thankful for this, because for those of you who don’t know this image has become the poster/postcard/greeting-card-child for sexual harassment/gropey-mc-gropeypants.

You see, just out of shot is this man’s bokkie who had just been taken to the bioscope… She’s watching in horror as “her” man (drunk) gropes this lovely dental assistant. Dental assistant did not enjoy this grope… she was taken aback by this grope. Woman was not keen… But being the era of women’s anti-lib this was shrugged off as “boys will be boys” and “he was just drunk and excited” and framed as lank romantic. There are articles on this which you can read… (such as the one hyperlinked above). This image and it’s sexual harassment vibes TRENDED. TRENDED on Social Media. I don’t know if you know this but people in branding and advertising are supposed to know about trends. You know what they say about assumption? Yeah well…

So this is Browns’ advert in the SAA in-flight magazine. Irony is just so wonderful sometimes I think to myself men should propose with that and avoid themselves the hassles of a diamond.

Nothing says Love and Commitment quite like gropage that isn’t consensual.

Browns… I think you might need to speak to someone in advertising.