It was only a matter of time before I’d have to dust off my “Bullshit Police Officer” uniform and rejoin the forces.

I imagine I’m in one of those Hollywood cop movies… You know the type that start with the sultry music and the husky voiceover…?

I’m standing in the kitchen, wearing my shitty stretched out “The Doctor Will See You Now” t-shirt, and a pair of boxer shorts. My hair is casually piled on my head, I’m obviously wearing makeup because I woke up like that, and there’s not an ounce of cellulite on my legs. Fuck how did my legs get so toned?! But, because this is a Hollywood movie and they strive for accuracy, I look a bit fucked up and worse for wear. Maybe I’m wearing glasses to help disguise the fact that underneath all this, I’m a fucking smoke-show. Maybe I have spilt coffee on my t-shirt even though I am a “tea person”. Maybe my bunny slippers are distracting from the fact that my cheekbones could cut through glass, and that under this t-shirt is a stomach that constitutes months with “Chad Powers- PT to the stars”. You just wait for the inspirational montage to some nineties monster hit, where I transform into something fucking gorgeous. And sure, I’ll have to do a bit of jogging and a few push-ups… I’ll have to visit Carlos at the salon, and obviously I’ll need a whole new wardrobe. But mark my words, it’ll take almost no time before my soon-to-be partner, that cocky guy with the dreamy eyes and rock hard ass, the one who said he would never bang me, is trying to get into my pants. Anyway, I’m skipping a few steps… back to the kitchen…

So I’m standing there looking Hollywood ugly and eating Woolies Luxury Muesli (on special save R10 Now R55.99!) out of the packet like a fucking animal. I go over to the fridge and I smell the milk, it’s obviously past it’s prime because this cues the “breakfast beer bit” that the director is real excited about. I snarl at the milk and casually chuck it in the bin because I have co-ords now. I then look in the fridge, confidently grab a beer and open it, I take a swig as I reach for a bowl, throw in some muesli, and douse it in beer. “Wow”, think the audience. “This chick is badass”. I begin eating my beer muesli with my no-fuck’s to give vibe. Men everywhere swoon. The You magazine commits to making me the next issue’s poster “spread”.

There’s a knock at the door. It’s my old captain, and he’s in a Hazmat suit. Obviously. “Jaqui” he says, “We need you”.

“Absolutely not Captain, I gave that all up years ago because of that incident… you’re on your own…”

“Jaqui, it’s the coronavirus, it’s… it’s out of control… Trust me I didn’t want to come here… after… after everything that… …. But please…”

“I’m sorry Captain, those days are behind me…”

The captain leaves… I abandon my cereal… slopping some of it on the counter to signal my mood. I’m pacing, I shoot a glance at the hard tack… I walk to the closet (because I’m a hybrid American and we all know only Americans can save us now) and there it is… my old uniform… There’s a series of flashbacks where I’m sitting in front of a computer typing furiously… The passage of time is signalled by the changing and modernising of my computer… my face obviously stays the same because in Hollywood, women don’t age. No wonder Meghan decided to move back.

I pick up my phone and dial.

“Captain it’s me… I’ll do it…”

And then I just hang up because no one in Hollywood says “goodbye” because airtime is fucking expensive there.

So here I am back on the forces. I’m ready to start policing the bullshit that’s running absolutely fucking rampant in this cesspool of a town. The underbelly is dark and terrifying, and it’s going to take all of my muscle not to go back to those dark times… Not to go back to that incident… that time when…

So listen up okes! Coronavirus is not a Chinese Bio-weapon, Idris Elba was not paid to say he was Covid-19 positive, this isn’t a Big Pharma ploy, Bill Gates is not the anti-Christ despite Internet Explorer, It’s not the fucking bat soup (but chef recommends ordering the cream of tomato to be safe), and it’s not the fucking 5G either. Listen up! Your shitty non-peer-reviewed, non-researched, nonsense articles are not fucking interesting… they’re stupid. It’s only Day Eight guys and already I’m reading that some people think fucking cellphone towers are spreading a global pandemic. Is this the Twilight Zone? Am I in the wrong movie? Stupid is not sexy.

You’re just fucking lucky Jaqui Hiltermann is back on the job.  

It’s no secret I’m a vigilante bullshit police officer on the Internet. I’m 35 years old now, so I’m easing into life as a grumpy woman. I’m totally OK with it. Why just yesterday I posted a “this is a hoax” link onto someone’s post about… Actually fuck that let me pull up the post and insert it so that you can see what kind of bullshit we’re dealing with here…

Posts like this… they are worse than finding empty ice trays in the freezer, worse than thinking about making a cup of tea and forgetting, *click*, hello loadshedding my old friend. Posts like this are everything I hate about people on the Internet. It’s 2019 and I am sick of telling people about hoaxes and asking them politely to not spread bullshit. Because it starts with an inaccurate post such as this, and the next thing, Sunil Tripathi is being named as the Boston Bomber. And actually, when you decode these posts, they’re not just innocent mistakes.

Posts such as these deliberately pit Muslims and Christians against each other, and a person who shares such posts is aware of these particular agendas. I want to say, “listen here Carol, no one is saying Christians have never been victims of terrorism, but not today… not today Carol”. That’s actually not what I want to say, I want to say, “Oh fuck off Carol”. But I don’t. Instead I just post a link and hope Carol will realise she’s spreading bullshit ideology about how Christians are getting the fluffy end of the lollipop.

Whataboutisms are the sweet spot of the Internet, and they’re akin to saying “But what about the time Nicholas got to watch that 16SVL movie on M-Net?” when you’ve been told you’re not allowed to watch a 13PG movie. But we don’t actually notice how prevalent whataboutisms are because we have no real political discourse in this country other than, “But what about the BLF?”, “What about when Julius said that, this is reverse racism?” “What about Helen?” The SA political landscape is like watching other people’s horrible kids on the playground, and you have to choose which one is the least kak. Good luck with that.

We’re used to comparing one asshole with another, one shit situation with another, “Cape Town has no water, but at least we have electricity…” Hold my beer.

Anyway as self-appointed bullshit police officer (BPO) I am unequivocally unafraid of offending people who are patently incorrect, aka WRONG. Because sharing false information is not OK. When faced with information everyone needs to take a breath, mull over it, maybe open another browser tab… Google Google, and Google will come up. Click on it. It’s easy, and it doesn’t involve a trip to the library like in the old days. And “better safe than sorry” is not an excuse to propagate bullshit either. Because sharing misinformation propagates fear, and fear is a precursor to bullshit and bad decisions. Fear is how we got to the second half of this decade of clusterfuckdom, Trump, Brexit, resurgence of white Nationalism, etc. etc. etc. 2019 is a product of fear. We’re hear because we’re scared. We’re paranoid. We’re afraid of anything that isn’t “us”.

Not all that glitters is gold, and not all that is news is news… I came across this absolute gem earlier, and it’s what Oprah calls a “teaching moment”… I didn’t fact check that. I don’t know if Oprah says that, but it sounds like something she might say. Anyway some chap posted a shortened clip of the video below, with a comment, “What did this idiot just say? Fees must do what?”. You may see the clip trending on your socials (check me being so up to date). The clip is in the throes of going viral, and it may go “Woolies Water”, but we’ll see. What is interesting is the response to the clip, and it says a lot about not taking time to listen and going straight to shouting.

Humans think they’re smart. But they’re not that smart. Notice how I othered myself from humans, I’m such an asshole. For example, just because it’s on the news Jason, does not mean that it is news. You know? No you don’t know Jason, so I’m here to explain. Coconut Kelz is a satirical character, and if you listen, rather than jumping to conclusions based on your opinion of women, black women, women with long manicured nails, etc. then maybe you’ll get it. But maybe not. Rome wasn’t built in a day. So, as expected the comments on the clip are wonderfully disparaging and subtle, and not so subtle, in their racism. For your viewing pleasure I read them all..

If you Google Lesego Tlhabi, you’ll find she attended school. Not only school, but Brunel University in London. She’s also not mentally ill. But you Facebook commenter, who I shall name Pamela, you obviously attended school and are OK upstairs. Nonetheless you are blind to satire. So well done there. Or maybe you just just jumped to conclusions about this “thick” black woman, based on your own misguided assumptions, rather than actually listening to the fucking video and critically analysing it? Is everything OK upstairs Pamela? Do you need a lie down? Thinking is hard.

Coconut Kelz and by proxy Lesego Tlhabi gets called a cow a lot. She gets shamed for wearing a blonde weave. She also has shit for brains apparently. She’s the product of the Generation Fees Must Fall, stupid and entitled. One commenter actually calls her out for being a “house n (word)”- he’s black, if that even matters. The n word.

If I took my job as BPO seriously I would respond to each and every single one of these people and make them feel as small as they are trying to make Coconut Kelz feel, but the Internet is a dark place, and it’s full of terror. It’s a big job, I can’t do it alone.

So let’s all take in the silence for a while… But then we have to start shouting at all the people who make the Internet kak with fear and bullshit. I’ll be watching you.