Snow White Never Had To Put Up With This Shit.
National Lockdown: Day Nine
Aside from two trips to Woolworths, and a pre-lockdown booze run, I haven’t left my house since the 14th March. I’m going into my 4th week of self-isolation, as a lot of us are. Yesterday my friend sent this message to one of our WhatsApp groups, as a public service announcement, and to check that none of us had accidentally boarded “The Nutsville Express”…
Today officially marks the end of my week three, so according to the above, I should be coming out of the “depression stage”. I should be feeling dejected and kak, and I should be wishing I had more alcohol to throw down my face in order to desensitize all the feels. OK sure, I wish I had more alcohol, but that’s just because I’m more of a liquids than a solids person. The odd thing is I am no stranger to the “morbs”, and I can go dark and twisty with the worst of them. Hence, it’s bloody weird that I’m not in line with this quarantine curve and hitting full-blown sit-down-shower.
I’m actually concerned that I’m doing so well. Seriously, not to brag but I’m really killing this no people fuck-all vibes thing.
So, the question is, should I be concerned that I’m doing absolutely fine and I’m not spiraling?
Cue the voices in my head, of which there are now 9. “Welcome to our two new members Dorky and Snacky”.
And… cue the spiraling…
To begin with Happy announces that she’s fucking delighted we’re doing so well. Dancey concurs so we all have to stop everything in order to jam to Florence & the Machine’s “Shake it Out” in the lounge; Dancey really is the life and soul of the fucking party these days. So, we’re doing OK is the consensus, and to celebrate Boozy convinces us that we need a stiff drink. That damn Boozy loves to celebrate. And besides we’re all doing so darn well. With Boozy and Dancey taking the wheel the rest of us can really just chill out and not have to worry about things. God it feels so good to outsource to one’s imaginary friends.
The problem is after a while Boozy starts to act like a real asshole and she starts picking fights with Pesky and Anxiety. Usually Anxiety can be calmed down by Boozy… but there are times when Boozy pushes Anxiety too far and then it unleashes hell. Literal hell. Cue Sweary. Sweary is going fucking ape shit and Happy is losing her sense of humour. Dancey is now on her own mission and making a complete fool of herself so it’s best to just ignore her when she gets like this. Soon she’ll start singing Fleetwood Mac tunes and it’s all downhill from there I can promise you that. Dorky is getting fucking pissed off because how the hell are we going to reach our writing targets with a hangover tomorrow? Dorky wants Boozy to take responsibility for her actions but she can’t hear herself think over Sweary’s histrionics. Anxiety is now “Team Dorky”, and Sweary has made Lazy cry again. Lazy’s been out of action after the massive row she had with everyone because no one wanted to watch Netflix with her. So, she’s been sulking because she hasn’t watched the new season of Ozark yet. And she was promised. She was promised. The asshole hasn’t shut up about it all week.
“Guys it’s fucking pandemonium in here!”
Who said that?
Pesky is annoyed, which is ironic, so she convinces Anxiety and Snacky to comfort eat through this. The decision is to go for the impulse Cadbury’s Top Deck which was purchased because Snacky said we’d need it because it’s that time of the month. Give Snacky credit, she knows her shit.
It was all going so fucking well in here.