“Reality Bites”

National Lockdown: Day Four

Congratulations everyone we’re on Day Four, we’re on 1280 confirmed cases, and South Africa has recently been downgraded to Junk. I now know how my parents must have felt when they received my Std 5 report card. But if we’re using my delinquency as a metaphor, ‘just look at me now’. ‘Just Look?!’ Sorry guys there’s no silver lining here, it’s best for you to accept that things are not looking particularly rosy right now and just settle in with a blankie, a horse tranquiliser, and some YouTube videos of puppies.

And if puppies aren’t your thing there are some particularly vibey videos of ordinary South Africans, cooking in real time, doing the rounds. It appears that the era of “Reality Cooking” is upon us. And this isn’t like those “reality” cooking shows we’re used to with the smug over-tanned judges, donning cravats and salivating over (not another fucking) panacotta or a (can nobody bake a proper bloody) chocolate fondant. Oh no, this is a new wave of basic home cooks, blindly clambering around their poorly designed, badly equipped kitchens with absolutely no bloody clue about basic mise en place.   

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all about pushing envelopes, boundaries, and generic conventions, but I’m not sure I’m onboard with spending half an hour of my time watching some bokkie with sub-par knife skills prepare ingredients for a pasta dish. I nearly had a pulmonary embolism when I saw her chop olives with a fucking steak knife. And sure, she does reassure the boujie amongst us that we “can’t afford to be picky about cheese during the time of Coronavirus”, while she gives us all a lesson in how to pronounce “Halloumi” like a complete asshole. And I understand that every single one of us have dazzling personalities that we can’t wait to unleash on the world, but there’s a reason cooking shows are edited, and “here’s one I made earlier” is a catch phrase.

But my reaction to this video stirred something up inside me. I realised that “live reality cooking” was engaging the same reactions that I get during live sports events. Do you see where I’m going with this? Hold my beer.

It appears that while watching bokkie do battle over a perfectly perfunctory pasta dish, I was activating the part of my brain that involuntary yells, “Fucking Ref that was offsides man are you blind?!” “Come on oke pass the ball man you asshole!” “Get in the hole you piece of shit!” and “Run you asshole! Run!” (Full disclaimer I am a delight to watch sport with. Bring your mum.) Watching this bokkie was almost like watching the… … I can’t bring myself to use that joke I’m sorry.

So, here’s my big lockdown challenge to the fine, financially buggered, folk at Multichoice. In lieu of sport, why not broadcast really terrible home cooks that we can shout at and abuse from the comfort of our own couches? Because nothing brings a nation together quite like shouting at the telly while we eat meaty snacks and drink Oros (no one has enough beer to survive this don’t kid yourselves). I just feel that as a nation we’re getting on each other’s nerves now and we all need to unite behind something. And if you can’t unite behind someone cutting olives with a fucking steak knife then there’s no hope for the Rainbow Nation.