Portrait With Tea

You probably think it’s a cup of coffee. The way I’m smelling it, and gazing at it. Like it’s got all the potential to change my day. The way I look as if I’m a chick on a coffee advert breathing in the aroma of that real slow roasted coffee flavour as described by the voiceover with a sultry voice. Perhaps you’re assuming I’ll start extolling the virtues of coffee being more than a beverage, how it’s a culture? 

Maybe you think I’m one of those hipster coffee shop lurkers because of my hair and thrift shop sweater? The type who take over the best table and charge every device they own, assault the free wifi, and pretend their lingering presence is because of how ‘mmmm that’s really good coffee’ it is. Hanging on every word.

Coffee is sexy, coffee is reassuringly expensive, coffee is no longer just black or white. Coffee is suggestive. It’s something you come up for, if you’re up for it. But be careful, because coffee also has the habit of kicking you out in the morning. 

And sure, coffee may be a culture, but tea is a lifestyle. It’s an affordable lifestyle, or an ostentatious one. It’s the same brew, it’s just dressed differently. 

The first cup in the morning, the late night natter, afternoon tea with grandparents, Birthday Tea, tea and a biscuit, Christmas Morning Tea, post-breakup tea, celebration tea, apology tea, tea delivered on a tray to a sick bed, school tea out of an urn with the faint glow of burnt milk, the quick chug it down while locating miscreant car keys tea. ‘Quick cup of tea?’ Tea break. ‘Fancy a tea?’ Tea will help. ‘Let’s discuss this over tea.’

‘Ooo I’d love a cup.’ 

Tea is what Cosmo might refer to as the “perfect little black dress”. You can dress it up, or dress it down depending on your mood. Throw in a lovely pair of scones, accessorise with some sugar cubes, ‘How about this understated cucumber sandwich?’ ‘Oh go on and splash out on that slice of Victoria sponge.’ You can’t go wrong with a chic retro teapot, or how about something more boho with a vintage set of cups and saucers? Or just embrace the simplicity and chug it out of a mug while avoiding dropping biscuit crumbs on the floor.

Yes. Perfect for every occasion.

Arguments about milk first or after. Is sugar sacrilege? How long to brew? What brand is best? Is rooibos even tea? Do you squeeze the bag? ‘You use teabags and not leaves?’ ‘Oh my god he squeezes the bag!’ Cup and saucer? Mug? And does anyone own a tea cosy that hasn’t been worn as a hat? 

My paternal grandmother never pretended to be posh but she took tea as seriously as she took the television guide. ‘Albert there’s no way that’s Morse, the television guide says it’s Only Fools and Horses now!’ Tea arrived in a metal teapot, with Dutch white and blue striped tea cups (mostly chipped), saucers, and a matching milk jug. Cake was offered randomly and understated. ‘Who’s for some stale cake?’ On the other hand, my maternal grandmother reckons she’s lank posh, and we don’t argue because she showed us the grape scissors that she pretends she inherited (she bought them). She’s the reason I drink my tea with a whisper of milk so that it looks close enough to coffee to get away with using a mug. Tea is never served in a mug. Never. When grandmother comes to visit we put out a universal call to borrow a tea set, so she can be lulled into a false sense of security that we’re not foul heathens.

Speaking of grannies, in Hilton in the 1980s Five Roses had what they aptly named the “Five Roses Tea Party”. It was hosted at the Hilton Hotel and there was great excitement because Scot Scott arrived in a helicopter. The big show piece was that a bunch of grannies had to do something in order to win the grand prize of their weight in R1 coins. Just before the weigh-in the winning granny went absolutely gangbusters over a black forest gateaux. It wasn’t quite the rumpus of the Boston Tea Party, but it did put Hilton firmly on the map, and on M-Net.

And on that note, is there anywhere you can get a decent cup of tea around here?