It’s Not Dark Yet… But It’s Getting There.

There’s not even room enough to be anywhere
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there
Well my sense of humanity is going down the drain
Behind every beautiful thing, there’s been some kind of pain (Bob Dylan)

This has been the unwitting soundtrack to this week… a beautiful coincidence brought upon by the shuffle function on my battered and bruised iPod. It’s not dark yet… but it’s fucking close. It feels as if we’re all raging, raging against the machine, the man, and against the dying of the light.   

But with all things, there’s strength in the collective- the fact that we’re all raging, we’re all angry, we’re all hurting. We’re all in this together. Yesterday, as UCT gathered, there was immense comfort in occupying a space with others, and it proved that these are dark and scary times, but we are not alone. It galvanised me, because I’m predisposed to overthinking and cynicism… and at times like this it’s even more difficult not to hate people and humanity.

And then I see yet another manifestation of the hashtag #AmINext, redolent of #MeToo, and I actively try not to roll my eyes back into my head. It’s a knee-jerk reaction, and I need to pause, take a breath, because I know that we’re occupying a space where women* are scared shitless. We’re all watching this horror movie together… except in this scenario there’s no dimbo ignoring the non-diegetic soundtrack and going gangbusters down the stairs towards the eerie basement. Nor is she shouting “Billy!” “Billy!” “Is there anybody there?” as she enters the abandoned locker room. In this scenario the eerie basement is a routinous fucking post office… This is public space. Public space next to a police station. This is broad daylight. This is everywhere.  

So I get it. It’s difficult not to make this shituation about the “me”. It’s hard not to ask “am I next”? It’s really fucking hard. But we need to remember that this is first and foremost about Uyinene Mrwetyana, and the scores of women and children who have died at the hands of men, and only then is it about us. It’s not asking “Am I next”? It’s asking who is next and what can we do to stop it? Because the power of a woman is in her ability to forge community… women are communities of practice. Women do kin work– community is in our collective DNA. This makes us powerful. And asking “am I next” dilutes the message, it isolates us from the group… and women, we need each other.

But surely, as women, this isn’t our problem? We’re not the problem right? And why do I, sorry we, as women, have to take responsibility for the actions of men…? This is not us… this is them…

Well sorry bitches this is us… and it’s them. And we can all do more.

Graca Machel delivered oratorical fireworks at Uyinene’s memorialising gathering on UCT upper campus yesterday. Graca Machel is a woman that I can really get behind… she’s angry, but there’s no populism… there’s no call for bringing back the death penalty.

Instead Machel reads the crowd, and offers a pragmatic measured approach. She’s angry, she’s raging, she’s sad, but she’s behaving like a woman with a solution. Cue the hallelujah bats**. Machel knows her audience and she asks us all to look within our academic disciplines to solve the crisis. She addresses us as a collective of minds… and she lays down the gauntlet. “We need to find out what’s wrong and broken within our society… Anthropologists, Psychologists, Sociologists, Psychiatrists… everyone…”

Machel also advises all women to look after each other, and to support each other. I like this idea because it abandons the “me mindset”- we need to be concerned about all of us. We need to check in with each other, to show concern, to group together, to travel together, to band together. And sure it absolutely sucks that we have to move as a group… but maybe if we frame ourselves as an army it’ll be less “buddy system” and more “bad bitches on the move… fuck with us at your peril…” So gather your army bitches. Move with purpose. Safety is our new community of practice.

So, here’s where I take up the gauntlet, get onto my academic soapbox, and reflect on what my discipline can add to this conversation. And here’s the thing… as Graca Machel says, we need to scrutinise our own families and our own homes (to add credibility to this rant, my research area is the home). I research the home because, 1. I say “fuck you to masculine bias”, 2. the home is primarily the space that women occupy, and 3. because it’s a microcosm. You can learn a lot about the world by looking at homes. I’ve studied a variety of homes and let me tell you it’s not all fucking Woolies schnitzels and Peppa Pig lunchboxes… there’s some dark shit afoot. So humans look at your household structures… look at your families… look at your tribes. And affect change. Because change starts at home.

Secondly, power relations are usually “blackboxed” (I’ve shamelessly plugged my own paper here). And my research in Actor Network Theory shows that blackboxing happens through discourses (that circulate within networks). And language secures discourse. So be careful with your words and be careful of how you represent others through your language, because language is power.

So combining what I know about the home and discourse… here’s where we can all make a start. And you may ask “but what does this have to do with rape and murder?” Well here’s the thing, power manifests in different ways… and gender violence is about power. So we need to learn how to re-navigate how we frame ourselves as men and women. Because all cues lead to women being in positions of inferiority and power is a constant fucking struggle.

1. Women are not second class citizens… I don’t care what your religious text of choice is. Don’t use it to tell us we’re second class. We will fight you. We will rage. Women, if you try to justify being made a second class citizen through your religion then you need to interrogate this. And then you need to rage. We’ve got your back.
2. Respect the women in your homes. All of them. Your domestic worker is not your servant. Don’t tell her she’s “like” family… she either is family or she’s not. If she’s not- fine. But don’t pretend she is to absolve you of guilt. Raise your children to participate in the household chores… it’s not up to a woman to “do everything” for them.
3. In terms of “women’s work”, in Africa housework used to be considered “men’s work”… so men, be fucking grateful that this discourse has shifted… and learn to use the fucking washing machine.
4. Examine your own household power structures. Usually this is dependent on breadwinner status because money is power too… This is where you need to communicate with your children, each other, your peers, etc. because normativity is learnt… and just because he’s bringing home the bacon/macon/vegan alternative doesn’t mean he contributes more. And FYI the man is not the head of the household… unless he’s a single parent.
5. Women can bring home the bacon/macon/vegan alternative too… this doesn’t mean she “wears the pants”… she can wear the pants, skirt, hazmat suit, whatever the fuck she wants.
6. Parents and family members… communicate with your children, and each other, about why you made the choices you made… Parenting is about choice and sacrifice- it’s not about predetermined gender roles.
7. Women are not the sole providers of care work. Raise the men in your house to participate in care work. If he’s not sending his mother a card on her birthday, and if he makes it your job, realise it’s not your job. Guilt is a weapon and women feel it too damn much.
8. Every family has a “creepy uncle so-and-so”. If you don’t have one in your family look closer. Flagging up the “gropey pervy uncle” is not enough. Why do we think it’s OK to just give him the moniker “Creepy” and that absolves him? “Oh it’s OK that’s just what Creepy Uncle What’s His Face does at Christmas… it’s just his vibe”. Everyone in the family needs to tell Creepface to fuck off and stop being pervy and gropey. Everyone.
9. If there’s a man in your family who is abusive or shitty you have to call it. You will save a life.
10. Please refer to those of us who identify as women, as women… we are not girls. You’re happy calling your toddler a “little man” but I must be addressed as “my girly” or a “girl”. Fuck that.
11. Your boy toddler is not a little man. He is a boy and he has a lot to learn. Raise him to respect girls and women. There are no “my little woman” cruising around Top Tots. (Mums feel free to inbox me and tell me I’m overreacting and that I’m an angry feminist… But your son is not a little man. He is a boy child. He’s not bringing home any bacon/macon/vegan alternative.)
12. Television is not a passive medium. Discuss television content with your children and family members. Watch the hard stuff. Have difficult conversations. Discuss sex, violence, nudity, swearing, etc. with your children (within age appropriate reason obviously)… FYI- PG means parental guidance… i.e. you have a role to play. The television is not a babysitter, it is a medium to engage with. Don’t blame it for your children’s kak behaviour (or violence).
    
13. Just because he looks tidy in his uniform and addresses you as “maam” does not make him a lovely polite young man. Look closer.
14. Just because she looks tidy in her uniform and seems like a lovely young lady, doesn’t mean she’s a lady. Look closer.
15. Use the term “lady” with caution. I am not a lady I am a fucking woman. When (gentle)men start behaving more gently I might decide to too.
16. On that note, being polite is awesome and great… and we could all be a lot less dickish. But don’t ever feel guilted into politeness… “I went along with it because I didn’t want to come across as rude”. Never feel like you have to be polite to men… you don’t have to do what you’re told… you don’t have to follow them into the back room. You can refuse them, you can leave. Don’t apologise.
17. And off topic, but because I’m here… teach every family member that the death penalty is not a solution. And if you’re confused about this just think about how many administrative errors you’ve dealt with in the past 6 months. Now imagine your incorrect water bill is someone’s life. And if my analogy is a problem for you then think about how many activists during apartheid were on death row for fighting against the government. It’s a fucking slippery slope and you can’t cherry pick with the law and say “we’ll only kill the real criminals”. Our criminal justice system is fucking broken… but sure add in the death penalty what could go wrong?  

And finally, 18. And this will appall the religious among you… stop with this virginity bullshit. Of course humans should be self-aware and critical about sex… as with everything else, but the virginity narrative needs to duck. I’ve discussed this in class and I’m appalled at how many women were taught (at school) that losing their virginity takes something away from them, that once it’s gone it’ll never return. Being pure is a highly prized commodity in women (as determined by men). Okes, when I’m looking for a shag let me tell you purity is nowhere near the agenda… so why should it be on yours?

Furthermore, girls are taught to hold onto their virginity as long as they possibly can (because hellfire, brimstone, dirty slutbags, no man will want you, you should wait until you’re married, etc. etc.) whereas the narrative around boys is that they should cash in their v-cards as soon as possible. So given that the population is pretty much 50/50 what could go wrong? I mean, on one hand you have 50% of the population (who have been framed as weak and subservient) being told to hold onto their virginity while the other 50% (who have been framed as stronger and dominant) are being told to lose their virginity as soon as possible. Seriously how has no one flagged this up as utter insanity? No wonder we have a fucking crisis.

So folks… it’s time to roll up your sleeves and do some housework.

*I have tackled this article from a very gender binary way… The LGBTQ community has a fucking hard time and suffers from a huge amount of violence, bigotry and assholery. My decision to take this focus is purely because this particular narrative is framed as men and women/children.

**A note on “hallelujah bats” as an agnostic/atheist/don’t do religion I use the bat emoji instead of the raising hands hallelujah emoji.