It’s an Estate of Mind

National Lockdown: Day Two

Ron Moss and I have had another great day together. I’ve been chatting to him quite a lot despite the fact that he really is empty inside. But, I guess he does provide some company, and at this stage I’ll take all the company I can get.

And, it seems that Day Two has been taxing for quite a few people; it also appears that I didn’t receive the “Great Global Bake Off” memo. I haven’t seen this much fucking cake on Facebook since the launch of Pinterest, where everyone decided that they were the next Mary Berry. It’s Day Two guys, this is a marathon not a sprint… but sure, your muffins, that you’ve described as scones, look moist as fuck. Congratulations. Tomorrow I guess we’ll all be swarming around our televisions doing “Global Yoga”, followed by a cleansing hoover session to pick up all the crumbs from the miscellaneous baked goods bonanza. I shudder to think what’s in store for Day Sixteen? Open heart surgery? Building the Hadron Collider out of empty toilet rolls? The mind boggles.

It seems Day Two was a sunny day in most parts of the country and this caused absolute fucking havoc. To combat the heat, I opened all my doors and windows and let the “outside in” because my courtyard is basically the seventh circle of hell and not even Satan could sit out there. But cabin fever did eventually set in despite my conversations with Ron Moss, a high-octane vacuuming session, some scintillating television viewing, and book reading. Hence, I braved the hellfire and took a stroll around my 2m x 3m courtyard for about 2 minutes. I’ve never wished for orange overalls until now, and I strongly think that orange really is the new black. My exercise sessions and strolls in the yard would be a whole lot more interesting for the neighbours if they could join in on my simulated prison experience and hurl abuse from their balconies. We could shout over the walls to each other and discuss what we’re “in for”. Maybe we could plan an escape? And, I might also be able to make some money selling contraband items… on second thoughts, my booze is priceless. But if the neighbours have anything up for grabs on the booze front I’ve got a spare kidney I’m not using. I’d trade my right kidney for a papsak of Autumn Late Harvest no problemo.

But as I was strolling around my ample courtyard, and hoovering my floors, it appears some South Africans were really cashing in on their outside activities. Social media informs me that gated community and estate dwellers are strolling around as if there’s not a fucking mutant virus on the loose. I believe that in some of these communities, children were playing together, riding bikes and gamboling about with not a care in the fucking world. Paige was actually moaning on her socials that it was such a nice day and she couldn’t see why she had to stay in her demarcated garden when there was a whole estate to walk about on. In fact she mused, ‘they can’t expect us to be cooped up indoors all day… my Tristan wants to ride his bike…’ Paige’s friends are all onboard with their “these rules aren’t for us”, and Brit confesses, ‘I’ve been out three times today just so I can take the rubbish out…’ And Brit doesn’t mean to her outside bins… Oh no, she means taking a brisk calorie burning 1km stroll up to the eco estate’s recycling village and back again. Brit aims to still get her 8km a day in. Tomorrow she might jog there, provided she has a few empty decoy wine bottles with her. Claire totally loves this suggestion and admits that she’s definitely going to be doing more recycling trips during her lockdown. “Lolz”. And when you think about it the “no walking dogs” and “no jogging” rules shouldn’t apply to gated communities and estates because the residents pay good money to live in these places. And besides, you can’t expect them to be cooped up in their four-bedroom starter houses for three weeks. Are you fucking mad?

But don’t get me wrong Claire and her mates are taking this “corona thing” very seriously… it’s just that estate living means restricted access… so there’s no ways Covid-19 is getting in without being stopped by security.