Heroes on the Homefront
In this age of uncertainty, it’s really nice to know that everyone is doing their bit to “flatten the curve”. I mean previously “flattening curves” meant busting my ass on the spinning bike and limiting my cheese addiction, but now I’m a fucking hero staying at home and watching my shorts get increasingly tighter as I vacillate over what my third breakfast is going to be. Don’t say I’m not putting my body on the line; I’m growing a muffin top to do my bit for social responsibility. And then I reflect on my liver as I glance over at the empty wine bottles by my front door, lined up like the Von Trapp kids ready to heave and sigh, and say goodbye! Adieu mother fucker! It turns out I might just make it through this apocalypse… I hope my liver is able to join me.
And it’s nice to know that my increasing waistline and fatty liver aren’t all in vain. I see all of the valiant efforts that so many others are doing to show this virus who’s boss. And I’m astonished. And boy-oh-boy does it galvanise me to settle in for another episode of Money Heist, and stare blankly at my phone for the next 17 hours.
I mean take Sven and Laura for example. Sven recently posted Instagram pics of their self-isolation, and I realized that I might need to ramp up my efforts. Sven and Laura are taking their self-isolation so seriously that they flew across country to a couple’s retreat on a game farm. And to really drum the message home Sven captioned the snap, “this is how to self-isolate… bliss” with the hashtags #Covid2020 #CoronaVirus #SelfIsolation #DoingOurBit #FlattenTheCurve. And judging from the comments of “guyz I’m sooooo jealous”, others wish that they could be more like this power couple. Guys you’re doing great. Keep it up!
And then there’s Gavin and Gemma. Gemma takes mental health very seriously. So in a bid to spread cheer amongst her besties, she and Gavin have rented a lovely AirBnb to share with 4 other couples for a long weekend. Gemma’s WhatsApp group, “Hey MaCoronas!” really got the proverbial chuckles going, and hell did Clive not throw some real zingers into the meme trough?! That Clive really knows how to hunt down memes- you should see the one about the Chinese guy and the bat- it’s hilarious! Anyway, despite the fact that Gavin is a pharmacist, and he’s around sick people all day, he’s assured the group that there’s nothing to worry about in terms of his Covid status. And when Gavin says, “don’t worry guys”, everyone believes him, because men with such great hair and chiseled features don’t lie. Kate is concerned though because two of her work colleagues have just come back from Europe and they’re awaiting test results. Luckily Kate’s dissuaded from leaving the group because Gavin assures her that she’s A-OK, and Gemma chimes in that she simply can’t live without Kate’s signature potato bake, and the weekend won’t be the same without her. That’s settled then, Kate and her potato bake are in! As texts about who’s bringing the brie rain down upon the group, Gemma knows she’s done a good thing, and her heart swells with pride. Friends should stick together in hard times, and there is no way that any of her friends have Corona anyway.
And elsewhere, Jasmine is using her mommy powers to impact on her community. Jasmine’s read up on herd immunity, so she’s started a Facebook Group called “Herd it through the Grapevine”. Jasmine has such a way with words. Jasmine’s inviting local area moms to host “Corona Parties”, reminiscent of Chicken Pox parties, and she’s recommended some great close contact games to add fun to the fiesta. Jasmine suggests pass the parcel because she’s read that the virus can live on paper for up to a week. Other fun games and activities include musical chairs, duck duck goose, bobbing for apples, and pin the respirator on the Corona patient. And sure, not everyone is on board with Jasmine’s brilliance, but there is always one particular group who try to take the wind out of your sails. But do you know what Jasmine says to those people? “Let’s just agree to disagree…” Oooo mic drop Jasmine. You fucking nailed it!
Finally, there’s Ben and Sharon who have decided that they really need a break from it all. It’s been a helluva year for Sharon because she finally quit her job in order to focus on her online shop, and what’s more, she’s just had to let their domestic worker go because things are a bit tight at the moment. Sharon feels desperate for their darling Lydia and she just can’t bear to think about it anymore. Sharon’s done everything that she can for Lydia by imploring her Facebook networks to help out, but it’s time that she starts thinking about herself for a change. That’s why they’re off to Zanzibar for a well needed break. I applaud Ben and Sharon for not letting a global pandemic that killed nearly 800 people in one day affect their plans to have a nice holiday. They really can offer us all a lesson on Stoic Pragmatism.
It really is so nice to know that we’re all in this together and that each and every one of us are really doing everything that we can to flatten the curve. We’ve got this guys! And just FYI, if anyone needs any extra toilet paper, I’ve got a whole garage full. Because you never know when a member of the community will need me to generously donate an extra roll!