Fuck the Unicorns, I want Aragorn

There’s a popular dating metaphor about unicorns. Everyone is in search of these elusive unicorns- the “perfect man” or the “perfect woman” (if we’re working in gender binaries). By my measure, my limited insight into Tinder, everyone thinks they’re a fucking unicorn. The age of digital media and popular folklore has led us to believe that we’re special, but, as in all things, some of us are more special than others.

I’m a new kid on the block regarding Tinder, and already I’ve noticed a veritable hotbed of unicorns. Take Jake (38). Jake’s a real catch because his profile picture shows him with a dog. And not just any dog, Jake has a Staffie. Jake also really likes adventure, which sets him apart from all of the other Capetonian Neanderthals who just want to stay in and pleasure themselves, while watching Love is Blind (see what I did there?). So, Jake likes dogs, craves adventure, and knows his way around an emoji? Jake sounds unique and perfect! Well, Jake also happens to be highly intelligent because he attended that top tier university none of us mere mortals got into, The University of Life. Fuck me Jake how are you still single. Swipe Right! Quickly before someone else gets him.

Then there’s Andrew (37). Andrew is a CEO of his own business and he’s got an MBA. Andrew likes wearing sunglasses in his photos because his aura is so fucking bright that he can’t stand to look at his own unicorn glow. Andrew likes to say that he’s not looking for anything too serious because he can’t bear the thought of sharing his trust fund with anybody else. But if he meets a nice unicorn female version of himself (minus the MBA and humungous brain) he might just take the plunge. The nice thing about Andrew is that he drives an Audi and is proficient at taking car selfies.

But it’s not all CEO, business, and top tier universities on Tinder. Oh no! Unicorns come in a range of shapes and sizes. For the Christian lady who likes an ordentlik and no-nonsense approach there’s Keith (34). Keith is Jesus’ favourite unicorn and he refuses to date anyone who smokes, drinks, shags, or messes around. Keith’s no-nonsense approach involves one selfie in which he’s wearing a golf shirt and has a tidy little combover. Phwoar Keith! Phwoar! Jesus take the wheel I need a moment.

For the women among us who are into the tie-dyed unicorn with the marijuana leaves emblazoned rumpside, there’s Christof (40). Christof is a freelancer slash photographer. But the thing is, Christof doesn’t like to be tied to a job because his purpose is far greater, and he’s expressing that through the magic of reiki and the healing power of essential oils. And despite having a “hard no” approach to drama, “NO DRAMA!!!!!!!!” (in case you’re not clear), he is up for some cheeky massage play- insert winky face.

Then there’s the unicorn in hiding. Meet Matt (36), or as I call him, ‘The Artful Dodger’. The Artful Dodger is the cunningest of them all because he’s disguised as a horse. A Trojan fucking horse. The Artful Dodger has a few carefully chosen photos that reveal he’s just a normal guy looking for someone who can engage in good conversation and not key his car. The Artful Dodger can hold a conversation, invites you on a date, and appears confident and assertive. The problem is the Artful Dodger believes he’s a unicorn and eventually he won’t be able to handle hanging out with someone like you who is so fucking ordinary and beneath him. The Artful Dodger deserves perfection, because he is perfection. And after all, there are so many women out there, there must be a better one just around the corner- ‘Please Sir, can I have some more?’

Postmodern dating offers us the illusion of choice. There are so many options out there. And ‘do you even know who I am?’ I’m a unicorn hunter and I deserve the very best, the most perfect, the most fucking dazzling partner I can find. And when the end game is “the perfect partner”, a lot of shit gets lost in translation and power struggles. It’s no secret that relationships are about power; and this is absolutely fine if there’s a balance of power. The problem is that because power is so frequently aligned with sex, it frequently comes back to virginity and men needing to pursue the fairer sex. Discussions about virginity tend to privilege men because women are told to “protect” their virginity, while men are sold the idea that sex with a woman is some big prize and something they have to pursue. Women are told “not to give it up too quickly” or “he’ll lose interest”. Like the only thing that a woman has that could possibly be of interest to a man is her vagina (and no I don’t mean vulva obviously).  

What really put the unicorns amongst the nags was this survey that I read about, which involved more than 2000 human adults. In this survey on self-perception, 1% of women described themselves as beautiful and 2% said that they were good looking. It might come as no shock whatsoever that 16% of the men surveyed described themselves as handsome or good looking. What is a shock is that of the 16%, 9% opted for the more extreme descriptor, “handsome”, as opposed to just “good looking”. What this means is that one in six men are stoked with how they look compared to one in thirty women… and people wonder why gaslighting is a thing?

I’ve always been of the opinion that relationships are never about perfection or the pursuit of greatness. Greatness doesn’t happen in a vacuum. My philosophy on the perfect relationship is, can you deal with my bullshit, and can I deal with yours…? Fuck the unicorns. Let’s hunt some Orc!