Dressing For Your Body Type
Never before has dressing for one’s body type been more relevant. I mean let’s be honest, Lockdown was a fucking disaster for most of us. No gyms, limited exercise potential, 24-hour access to the fridge with zero surveillance from work colleagues (thanks to “camera off”), and ‘I deserve another biscuit there’s a pandemic out there’. And then ho-ho-ho and behold, here comes fucking Christmas and the tide of comfort eating to mask the shitshow raining down upon us. Mince pies have always got my back, and my muffin top for that matter.
My WhatsApp is a literal buzz with friends telling me, ‘you think that’s bad I’ve put on 2 dress sizes’, and ‘my gut luggage is the only thing I’m currently traveling with’. As some of you may be aware, I’ve had to start running, well let’s call it what it is, “jogging”. It’s the end of the fucking world guys.
Luckily for us women, we have decades of glossies, which have primed us for this very moment. The moment where we look into our cupboards and sigh. Our “fat jeans” are now the “one day I’ll fit into those again” hopefuls. We hurry past mirrors, we close our eyes when we’re in our underwear… ‘Look at the bloody state of me!’ We envy the body we hated and despised a year ago.
Cue Cosmo, stage left, to bring us that silver lining we all desperately need. 26 Ways to Dress For Your Body Type. 13 Pairs of Jeans to Hide Those Problem Areas. 18 Swimsuits to Make You Beach Ready. 42 Ways to Disguise How Fat and Gross You Are. The advice is endless, but one thing’s for certain, my body type has a methodology that’s been proven to make me feel like I want any other body type than what I’ve been given in the genetic lottery. ‘I wish I had her body, then I could wear a pencil skirt.’
Did you know that there’s a skirt shape to suit any body type? Plus there’s proof nogal?
Fuck me I love science. According to the fine folk at popsugar.com you can wear mini skirts if you’re petite. If you’re tall and lean (read skinny) then you can pull off a maxi skirt. If you’re curvy (but not fat) you can wear a pencil skirt. “Athletic” women shouldn’t wear skirts above the knee; presumably to hide all of the effort you spend doing lunges and squats. Google ‘skirts to suit my body type’ and you’ll be dazzled and amazed at how much rigorous research has been put into this.
And I’m not even joking… there’s also a handy guide on shoes to suit your body type. It’s nice to know that if you’re athletic you can add more femininity to your look (crucial), by donning a pair of Mary Janes or ballerina flats.
I find such comfort in knowing that as a woman my body has been scrutinised to such an extent that I now have an idiot-proof manual on exactly what to wear, and what not to wear. It’s also nice to know that when I decide to put my pear-shaped bod into a pencil skirt there will be some Cosmo-wielding fashion police(wo)man to give me a jolly good shaming. ‘Christ alive look at that Hiltermann woman, she clearly didn’t get the December issue… Look at the state of her fat arse in those flipflops!’
Doesn’t it seem such a shame that men are largely exempt from such close scrutiny? Isn’t it such a pity that men don’t get the benefit of such exhaustive fashion manuals?
So, in my bid to close the gender gap… ahem… ‘Men do you want to dress for your body type?’
If your body type is “Businessman” then suits and ties are recommended. However, if you have more of a “Casual Businessman” body type then you can always remove the tie and opt for a lighter suit colour. And great news for those men who are “Athletic”. If you’re athletic you can wear active wear, or you can wear more general clothing to accentuate the fact that you have the perfect body. Every cut of gentlemen’s clothing fits the athletic bod perfectly, and you can marvel at how everything down to your basic flipflops looks fucking magnificent. And trust me, you won’t need to add a flourish of anything feminine to soften your hyper-masculine athletic beastly physique. And remember, everything above the knees where possible, you didn’t focus on leg day for nothing.
Not to worry “Geeks and Nerds”, skinny jeans fit any male body type, provided you have a background in IT or have some idea of basic coding. And not to be outdone, if you have a trust fund you’re going to look great in salmon, even if you have the complexion of a Christmas gammon. Jeans to suit your body type? Well if you’re a size 34 buy anything in size 34 and you’re good to go. As a side note, there is one faux pas and that’s to avoid the divorce-dad jeans, unless you’re a dad and divorced.
Men with a chunky wallet should accentuate this with conversation about Bitcoin. And don’t think I haven’t forgotten about swimwear. In this month’s issue, there’s a double-page spread on finding the best swimming costume for your body. For men wanting a bathing suit that dries quickly, synthetic fibres are your best bet. Board shorts are great because they have velcro and nylon laces to secure the garment. Speedos are usually made out of spandex. And finally, swimsuit briefs are designed to be aerodynamic. Armed with this wealth of knowledge I’ll bet you’ll find the perfect costume to maximise your beach confidence.
So, isn’t it about time you Lockdown your Body Type.