‘Wake up Jaqui; it’s time to go to the Royal Show!’ On this occasion, it was 3 am, I was in Room 36 at the Hilton Hotel, and my brother Nicholas thought it would be bloody hilarious to wake me up from my slumber to enjoy a few seconds of euphoria, before realising it was …
National Lockdown: Day 67 (Day One of Level Three) Growing up in South Africa in the nineties, there were a few things that every single child had in common. Everyone wanted a strange man dressed in a Simba costume to come into their classroom, yell “surprise”, and give away free bags of chips. I am …
National Lockdown: Day Seven For the first time in over two weeks I went out into the world to buy food. I’d been putting it off for a few days and living off rice cakes, which I’ve nicknamed “nice cakes” in order to Emperor’s New Clothes my taste buds. Fun Fact, they still taste crap …
More shit I heard in the queue at the Kirstenbosch summer concert. While Monkey was spreading his smoked snoek mousse on his rye bread with a plastic teaspoon, I was sipping away on my crisp wine. Crisp wine was crisp because of my fancy wine wand which looks disturbingly like a sex toy. A sex …
There is literally no one who loves a Kirstenbosch summer concert more than me… Except maybe every single Woolies branch manager in the greater Cape Town area. And every dressed by Cape Union Mart Capetonian. That fucking amphitheatre is like a sugar free, dairy free, gluten free, lactose free, ice cream truck. White okes flock …