Blame It On The Bunny.

National Lockdown: Day 18

There’s an old Nesquik advert where you could blame shit on the bunny… it seems appropriate that I pull out my “blame it on the bunny card” for my writing hiatus.

It’s been a very strange past few days. I haven’t felt like writing, I’ve been in a bit of a funk, I’ve been distracted, my brain has been on lockdown. But the dust cleared today with what appeared to be a breath of very fresh air, my imagination is filling in the gaps again, and I’m finding that elusive patience that seems to plague me at every turn. I’m starting to see sense in my sensibility. I just hope that post-Corona life isn’t like Season 8 of Game of Thrones… Something we all look forward to for ages, and it turns into an almighty shitshow. Please don’t be shitshow.

Obviously, for most of us, it is completely unsurprising that Cyril extended the lockdown until what is ostensibly “Mayday Mayday!” Yet, the surprise levels of those “under-rock-dwellers” amongst us, those Tone Deaf Rangers, seemed quite extreme. Never underestimate the power of denial. People from within their comfortable houses have been wailing about the fact that, “We can’t possibly survive another two weeks of this!” and “My kids are going crazy!”

This confused me somewhat because from the “21 Day Joy of Motherhood Challenges” suddenly infiltrating my otherwise memetastic Facebook wall, mums and their offspring seem to be going gangbusters on the homefront. I’m seeing a veritable collage barrage of rose-tinted domestic scenes, and fuck me there’s a lot of poster- board, paints, magic markers, glitter, modelling clay, and other shit my mother never allowed me to have growing up. Not that my mother is mean, she just had a deep-seated fear of my brother doing another “extreme makeover” on his over-trusting sister. Arts and crafts were best kept for Mrs Arnison’s art class.

I bet Marie Kondo is having an embolism over all the new child-produced arts and craft shit people are bringing into their homes again. Chantal, you were making so much progress in the Kondo Method, and you were almost about to level up from Journeyman to Expert. But sure Chantal, I’ll bet that paper mache hippo little Bentley made is oozing joy all over your Wetherley’s sideboard. Well at least Marie Kondo will be in for another Netflix bonanza “Marie Kondo: Ridding your Life of the Shit your Kids Made During Lockdown”. Of course, no one will watch it because from what I can tell after lockdown no one is ever watching Netflix again. For at least a week.

It begs the question that maybe your kids are going crazy because you’re forcing them to do so many archaic arts and crafts projects when they’d rather be playing with their devices? Maybe you should stop micromanaging your kids Chantal? Bentley and Damien probably want one free day where they don’t have to be fodder for your “Mom Challenge” and bake fucking biscuits and make mosaic out of Granny’s broken tea set. And as suburbanites sit around their pools and play on their lawns it’s little wonder that they’re questioning whether or not they can survive another two weeks of this.

And yes, I’m being a glib asshole and in all honesty it’s great to know that people are connecting with their children and their families again. It’s great to know that we’re all more cognisant of what we take for granted, and that we’re all making long lists of ways we’re going to do better and be better. And sure, it’s bloody lovely to celebrate being a mom and enjoying doing activities with your kids. But this is not torture, and it’s not the end of the world. And, I promise you, your children are not going crazy and they will survive. Because, to be honest, pre-lockdown I didn’t exactly see hoards of kids playing outside and living the outdoor dream. From what I’ve seen most kids are glued to iPads whenever they’re out in public and you can argue with me if you’d like but it’s my job to notice these things. And I didn’t say all kids. I said most.

Meanwhile, in townships shacks are getting demolished, the two week lockdown means some people have the grand total of R0 to their name, and kids are going hungry.

But for now lockdown has been extended… Marie Kondo screams… somewhere a child cries… birds scatter… more clutter is coming…