This Little Piggy Stayed At Home

National Lockdown: Day Three

I woke up with a feeling of guilt, brought on by last night’s nutritious dinner of blue cheese and a slab of chocolate. This little piggy had every intention of dusting off her Rosemary Conley DVDs, because a brush with death before breakfast is how I like to roll. I figured, I’m going insane, I may as well let Rosemary and her five-day- fat-burning brigade join the party. If you can’t hit rock bottom in your lounge, while busting out the “grapevine”, “squat punches”, and “box-step”, and perforating your eardrums to the sweet sounds of Take That! And M People then really, when can you hit rock bottom? But seriously chaps and chapettes, if you have never endured a 90s aerobics fiesta DVD box-set, then you haven’t really lived… and when you “feel the burn” it goes right down to your last modicum of self-respect. From the kitchen, Ron Moss looked on, squealing and humming with excitement, because as it turns out, he just can’t get enough of white bitches in leotards and spandex.

Fortunately for my neighbours, life had other plans, and I was coaxed into a conference call that dangled money carrots in front of me. Money carrots are now my second favourite carrots. If anyone knows where to find wine carrots, apply within.

So it was that I had to say “sayonara!” to Rosemary, and sadly close all the open tabs on my laptop promising that I can make moonshine in my garage. “36 steps to making vodka using Windolene, and a pair of pliers!” “You won’t believe how the water magically turns into wine?!” “Manifold Moonshine: the road to turning your car, and carrots, into a bar!” Well I guess my home economics projects can wait, let’s see about those pesky money carrots.

And, it appears, while I was beavering away writing a script for an Artificial Intelligence robot, who I named Phillipa in case you’re wondering, everyday South Africans were settling into Day Three. Some of you stayed at home, some of you went to the market, some of you had roast beef (it’s a Sunday after all), and some of you drove around looking for people to video and put on the Internet. It’s annoying when piggies won’t stay the fuck at home isn’t it? And do you know what’s really annoying? Those people in rural areas and townships who just won’t stay in their shacks all day with their other 10 family members with no Internet or running water. It’s not like they’re being asked to stay on an annoying family WhatsApp group for god’s sakes… it’s just 21 days, and it’s just a bit of confined space, and it’s for the greater good. South Africans just aren’t taking this isolation seriously enough. But, as luck would have it, several government managers are now available to speak to if you’re having any issues with miscreant citizens bending the rules. You can huff and you can puff, and you can even throw stones at your neighbours’ beautiful glass houses…