Gone are the days of horse drawn coaches, walks in the park, beaches at sunset, candlelit dinner for two, champagne and red roses and a peck on the cheek as he bids her goodnight. The postmodern man may as well shelve his ghetto blaster, with the mixed tape of Air Supply and Michael Bolton, and tear up his handmade storyboard that he was to unveil from underneath her bedroom window. In fact he may as well delete her number altogether she’ll contact him, more often if she’s drunk.
He can just sit back and relax whilst he sips on a beer and watches the rugby. He can hang with all his other lazy bastard friends, smoke a spliff, have a braai and chat about hot bettys they’d all like to have a go with. And then when he’s ready he can stop by at one of the designated “betty pulling hotspots” and if he’s got an uncle called Bob he can refer to him, if not he can pretend that he has an Uncle Bob… I digress…
Through months of careful research I have identified key pulling hotspots which will enable the postmodern man to never ever have to make an effort with bettys ever again. In fact he won’t have to go to them, they’ll come to him.
Never underestimate the power of a starving betty after a night of binge drinking. They’ll do pretty much anything for Popcorn Chicken, so be warned do not approach your candidate until she has received her order. DO NOT try to muscle in on her food either she won’t like it and you may blow your chances. If you’re average looking you will definitely blow your chances, if you’re hot she may well forgive you but it’s not worth the risk. Top Tip: It may be worth saying that you’re in the army, even if you’re not, bettys love that shit.
Once she has got her chicken all you really need to do is look at her and she’s yours. You may want to have a couple of napkins handy and some breath mints but if you’re drunk you won’t notice her greasy face and filthy breath.
Remember though SAFETY FIRST the type of girls you’ll attract at food venues such as KFC are likely to have Chlamydea .
THE 39 BUS:
Should she fail to spot you at the 24hr KFC in Clapham there’s another option, the 39 bus. Alternatively there is an equivalent night bus that is full to the brim with bettys who don’t know their own names. Typically this bus is Chav central so you won’t have any competition, which is good news. Fact: A betty will pick any minger over a fully-fledged chav. All you need do is sit next to her, opposite her or on top of her and she’s all yours. What’s more you can follow her home for a napover or simply post a message in the London Paper saying, “to that random bint I snogged on the 39 bus on Friday night, thanks for sharing your Popcorn Chicken. I’ll see you at Stop B in Clapham next week?”
If you can’t pull in a KFC or on a bus you must be some kind of a proper minger but there is one other option.
“This is a picadilly train to COCKFOSTER’S!!!”
Few things in the world are more important to a betty than money. Money affords shoes, Popcorn Chicken, Strongbow Cider, transport home, clothes, makeup, hair extensions and sunbeds. Hence a great window of opportunity has arisen for the postmodern man on the prowl. The ATM equates to money which equates to chicken and alcohol; all essential to bettys on a night out. Therefore if you’re smooth you can certainly entice her (be careful you may not want to make sudden movements or appear to be a thief in any way). After a quick chat up it’s very likely that you may be well on your way to KFC, the 39 bus or even to the station where you can hook up with a cheeky snog.
In a world where romance appears to be dead it’s good news for blokes. Minimum effort maximum return- that’s the simple law of Return on Investment (ROI for those in the know).