You literally won’t believe who isn’t getting a good morning this morning.

The truth is that clickbait is bullshit.

However you clicked on it. It wouldn’t exist without you.

Ignore it.

Scroll past.

Engage with the good shit.

So every time you click on clickbait… that’s one less good morning.

Today I reached the 100K word mark. One hundred thousand words. In seven days Jaqui Hiltermann wrote more than her PhD thesis and she is smug as fuck. And exhausted, because I’m now allowed to use that banned word because I’ve fucking earned it. And sure the 100K is not exactly quality writing by any stretch of the imagination, BUT it’s been an absolute test of my resolve because I wasn’t allowed to use any swearing… If I was I could have pushed it to 110K. OK 120K easily.

So today I’m marking “Day Ten” by plagiarising a conversation I had on Facebook earlier because there is no ways I can come up with a creative narrative to mark the “halfway” mark. My brain just doesn’t have the stamina to do anything other than have another glass of wine and maybe try to do battle opening the blue cheese- but I don’t think I’ll manage that. And yes we’re on the halfway mark but, Fun Fact: if you think we’re getting out in 21 Days you’re dreaming… seriously I’ll bet a bottle of wine. But whatever helps you sleep at night.

So one of my top humans, Ron (his real name) has been having “issues” with joggers… and I’ll write about privileged joggers in another post, but I thought you might like this particular snapshot… Ron has a way with words (you should buy his book)

“Weird question: Is it hydrochloric acid that breaks down the human corpse to liquid or is it something else? Asking for a friend. Also have some assorted pairs of used jogging shoes for sale. Can deliver only after lockdown.” (Ron Irwin, 2020)

Jaqui: The return of joggers means that the earth is finally healing… Pinelands is healing…

Ron: The return has been partially halted.

Jaqui: Is this because of your canned jogger hunting?

Ron: They’re not “canned”. They are running free in their own environment and have a fair chance at survival. It’s sport. SMFH.

Jaqui: Whatever… I prefer trophy hunting.

Ron: “It puts the takkies in the basket or it gets the hose..”

Jaqui: This is all going in my book.

And mark my words all of this will be embellished in my book because there’s a lot to be said for a story about Pinelands joggers going AWOL during lockdown… but for now I leave you with this.

Stay the Fuck Indoors: so nature can heal or whatever.

It’s no secret I think diamonds are very pointless and I’ve discussed them before. I don’t want my value represented by something that perches on my finger, alerting you to how much my partner loves me and how wealthy he is. I’d opt for a plastic cracker ring, preferably one of those amazing decoder rings you could get in cereal boxes back in the “old days” (Monkey, if you’re reading this take note).

One of my 3rd year students, who is really fucking cool, told me that she’s not on Instagram because ‘it’s not for her’. She wasn’t being glib, or self-pitying, she just meant that she literally feels like an alien within the space. It’s not for her. She feels othered because, as she phrases it, ‘I’m poor’. Like I said, no self pity, no judgement of Instagrammers themselves, just a mere statement of fact. I’m obviously relaying what she said with lashings of judgement, while remarking on how kak and shallow I find Instagram. Sorry to ruin your fun, but Instagram is all about conspicuous consumption and flashing the proverbial diamonds. And, if you don’t have any of that shit, well you can window shop, while those on the inside take pity on you and talk about “the 3 c’s”.

So, back to Browns and their stupid diamonds. A while back I was reading the SAA in-flight magazine and this Browns advert appeared. I loved it because I’m obsessed with irony and being an asshole.

This image is what we call an “iconic image”… and it has circulated on postcards, greeting cards, posters, etc. It symbolises the end of World War II, celebration, and that groovy Hollywood style Romance we’ve come to enjoy- thanks to all those really imaginative movies that end with running through airports…

I am the first to admit that I bought a card with this very image for my Nana’s 80th Birthday (over a decade ago), because she was a nurse in the second world war, and my Gramps was a Navy man. They had a wartime romance, and although Gramps was into sarcasm, and gently mocking my Nana, it was the most realistic portrayal of love I’ve yet to see… “Nothing says love quite like sarcasm and gentle mockery”. Try that on for size Browns. Anyway, I thought the above image was a pretty accurate depiction of love so Nana received this card because I was trying to be nostalgic. My Nana had dementia, and this is the only time I was ever thankful for this, because for those of you who don’t know this image has become the poster/postcard/greeting-card-child for sexual harassment/gropey-mc-gropeypants.

You see, just out of shot is this man’s bokkie who had just been taken to the bioscope… She’s watching in horror as “her” man (drunk) gropes this lovely dental assistant. Dental assistant did not enjoy this grope… she was taken aback by this grope. Woman was not keen… But being the era of women’s anti-lib this was shrugged off as “boys will be boys” and “he was just drunk and excited” and framed as lank romantic. There are articles on this which you can read… (such as the one hyperlinked above). This image and it’s sexual harassment vibes TRENDED. TRENDED on Social Media. I don’t know if you know this but people in branding and advertising are supposed to know about trends. You know what they say about assumption? Yeah well…

So this is Browns’ advert in the SAA in-flight magazine. Irony is just so wonderful sometimes I think to myself men should propose with that and avoid themselves the hassles of a diamond.

Nothing says Love and Commitment quite like gropage that isn’t consensual.

Browns… I think you might need to speak to someone in advertising.

It’s no secret I’m a vigilante bullshit police officer on the Internet. I’m 35 years old now, so I’m easing into life as a grumpy woman. I’m totally OK with it. Why just yesterday I posted a “this is a hoax” link onto someone’s post about… Actually fuck that let me pull up the post and insert it so that you can see what kind of bullshit we’re dealing with here…

Posts like this… they are worse than finding empty ice trays in the freezer, worse than thinking about making a cup of tea and forgetting, *click*, hello loadshedding my old friend. Posts like this are everything I hate about people on the Internet. It’s 2019 and I am sick of telling people about hoaxes and asking them politely to not spread bullshit. Because it starts with an inaccurate post such as this, and the next thing, Sunil Tripathi is being named as the Boston Bomber. And actually, when you decode these posts, they’re not just innocent mistakes.

Posts such as these deliberately pit Muslims and Christians against each other, and a person who shares such posts is aware of these particular agendas. I want to say, “listen here Carol, no one is saying Christians have never been victims of terrorism, but not today… not today Carol”. That’s actually not what I want to say, I want to say, “Oh fuck off Carol”. But I don’t. Instead I just post a link and hope Carol will realise she’s spreading bullshit ideology about how Christians are getting the fluffy end of the lollipop.

Whataboutisms are the sweet spot of the Internet, and they’re akin to saying “But what about the time Nicholas got to watch that 16SVL movie on M-Net?” when you’ve been told you’re not allowed to watch a 13PG movie. But we don’t actually notice how prevalent whataboutisms are because we have no real political discourse in this country other than, “But what about the BLF?”, “What about when Julius said that, this is reverse racism?” “What about Helen?” The SA political landscape is like watching other people’s horrible kids on the playground, and you have to choose which one is the least kak. Good luck with that.

We’re used to comparing one asshole with another, one shit situation with another, “Cape Town has no water, but at least we have electricity…” Hold my beer.

Anyway as self-appointed bullshit police officer (BPO) I am unequivocally unafraid of offending people who are patently incorrect, aka WRONG. Because sharing false information is not OK. When faced with information everyone needs to take a breath, mull over it, maybe open another browser tab… Google Google, and Google will come up. Click on it. It’s easy, and it doesn’t involve a trip to the library like in the old days. And “better safe than sorry” is not an excuse to propagate bullshit either. Because sharing misinformation propagates fear, and fear is a precursor to bullshit and bad decisions. Fear is how we got to the second half of this decade of clusterfuckdom, Trump, Brexit, resurgence of white Nationalism, etc. etc. etc. 2019 is a product of fear. We’re hear because we’re scared. We’re paranoid. We’re afraid of anything that isn’t “us”.

Not all that glitters is gold, and not all that is news is news… I came across this absolute gem earlier, and it’s what Oprah calls a “teaching moment”… I didn’t fact check that. I don’t know if Oprah says that, but it sounds like something she might say. Anyway some chap posted a shortened clip of the video below, with a comment, “What did this idiot just say? Fees must do what?”. You may see the clip trending on your socials (check me being so up to date). The clip is in the throes of going viral, and it may go “Woolies Water”, but we’ll see. What is interesting is the response to the clip, and it says a lot about not taking time to listen and going straight to shouting.

Humans think they’re smart. But they’re not that smart. Notice how I othered myself from humans, I’m such an asshole. For example, just because it’s on the news Jason, does not mean that it is news. You know? No you don’t know Jason, so I’m here to explain. Coconut Kelz is a satirical character, and if you listen, rather than jumping to conclusions based on your opinion of women, black women, women with long manicured nails, etc. then maybe you’ll get it. But maybe not. Rome wasn’t built in a day. So, as expected the comments on the clip are wonderfully disparaging and subtle, and not so subtle, in their racism. For your viewing pleasure I read them all..

If you Google Lesego Tlhabi, you’ll find she attended school. Not only school, but Brunel University in London. She’s also not mentally ill. But you Facebook commenter, who I shall name Pamela, you obviously attended school and are OK upstairs. Nonetheless you are blind to satire. So well done there. Or maybe you just just jumped to conclusions about this “thick” black woman, based on your own misguided assumptions, rather than actually listening to the fucking video and critically analysing it? Is everything OK upstairs Pamela? Do you need a lie down? Thinking is hard.

Coconut Kelz and by proxy Lesego Tlhabi gets called a cow a lot. She gets shamed for wearing a blonde weave. She also has shit for brains apparently. She’s the product of the Generation Fees Must Fall, stupid and entitled. One commenter actually calls her out for being a “house n (word)”- he’s black, if that even matters. The n word.

If I took my job as BPO seriously I would respond to each and every single one of these people and make them feel as small as they are trying to make Coconut Kelz feel, but the Internet is a dark place, and it’s full of terror. It’s a big job, I can’t do it alone.

So let’s all take in the silence for a while… But then we have to start shouting at all the people who make the Internet kak with fear and bullshit. I’ll be watching you.